I’ve had a break through.
When things aren’t going well, I have this tendency to fall into the little pit of my mind and slowly sink deeper and deeper, all the while trying to tell myself to “let it go” or that “things will get better with time.” But I know myself and I just distract myself enough that my laughter is actually genuine and my smiles are true, while deep inside, I’m hurting.
But I had a good day today. I’m not saying I’m 100% happy, but I felt a sort of warmth today. Not just from the warm cookies I ordered, but I felt some sort of change in my soul. Yup, I went there. My soul.
I think I get really stressed out about wanting to make everybody happy and having people genuinely care about me and having best friends and having the best relationships with everybody and succeeding and eating a buffalo chicken wrap versus a mediterranean one!?
But I don’t even have to give a fuck about if anybody gives a fuck about me. I don’t have to have a “best friend” or “close friends” or “friends.” I can just have people to spend time with, who are nice to talk to, who I’m comfortable around. That’s when I’m happiest – when I’m not concerned with labels and categorization.
I know why I do it though – because I’m so inconsistent and scatter-brained, and I do it even more when things aren’t going the way I want them to – I need some sort of ordered hierarchy in my life. But I realized, I really don’t.
Obviously there are those who may care more or less about me, and those I care more or less about, but I don’t have to obsess over it. If I’m happy around them, that’s good enough for me. That applies to both family and friends.
Because in the end, you only have yourself (and maybe a buffalo chicken calzone). And I think that’s where this new “warmth” generated from. The realization that I can carry myself and be happy, without obsessing over other people’s happiness.
I’ll appreciate the late-night talks and the dinners with friends for what they are, not as “late-night talks with my newest bestest friends” or my “dinners with the friends who are the only people who get me.”
I mean, I’ll probably still obsess over people’s happiness because that’s just who I am, but it’s knowing that I don’t have to do that in order to be happy that will ultimately keep me smiling. I guess I’ll let the sun warm me. 🙂